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But it also uses this weird vocabulary in which negative emotions come from unmet "needs", compromise doesn't seem to exist, and it's illegal to blame other people for making you feel a certain way.
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It's full of warm fuzzy phrases like "expressing what's alive inside of you", "acting out a desire to make life wonderful for yourself and others", "requests from others are opportunities to enrich both of your experiences and should be treated as gifts", and "never walk when you can dance". This one was quite a bit longer, and considerably better than the previous book. Next up on the curriculum is "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg, the man who invented NVC and who I saw in the video with the giraffe puppets. Do you see the mistake now?"Īnd so, I'm sent back to the bookshelf with my tail between my legs. You think that this way of talking makes you sound wise and emotionally intelligent, when in fact it makes you sound weird and autistic. Could you do w in the future?" "Ah." I say. The recipe is: "When you do x, I feel y, because my need for z isn't being met. It's basically a recipe book, where what you're baking is language which helps resolve conflict and build genuine human connection. "Who knows?" she say "It might actually help you."Īnd so, I find myself reading "The Art of Nonviolent Communication". But incredibly, despite my Outstanding Logic, she not only failed to reform, but somehow this backfired into our relationship falling apart! She suggests I actually read a book on NVC. At first I try to calmly explain that her belief system is stupid and try to gently mock her into being reasonable. But there's a problem: she too is really into NVC. She's the warmest person I've ever met and absolutely stunning to boot.
He was, after all, a physics teacher, and should undoubtedly have known better.įast forward to a few months ago, and I find myself dating an incredible woman. This was such an insane experience that I couldn't help but suspect the guy was having us on. The guy running the workshop then handed everyone a list of feelings, and got us to think about how we could've resolved a past conflict by talking about our unmet needs. It started with a video in which a crazy man called Marshall Rosenberg got people to wear giraffe ears and talk to each other using hand puppets.
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The steps are accompanied by many practical exercises, and in the course of this three-part training, readers will learn how to apply these skills to personal and social relationships with romantic partners, friends, colleagues, and family.Ī couple of years ago I was at a retreat which included a workshop on nonviolent communication (NVC). Oren's unique method for fostering peaceful-and effective-communication has three "steps" or components: (1) presence: bringing mindful awareness to the interaction, (2) intention: clarifying and setting a goal for the interaction, and (3) attention: learning to really hear and understand in a way that enables you to navigate the difficulties, express yourself clearly, and listen like it really matters-which it most certainly does. Oren Sofer's method for effective communication is a unique combination of mindfulness with the modality called nonviolent communication (NVC), a method popular since the 1960s that is based on the belief that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and resort to violence or behavior that harms others only when they don't recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.
Here's a proven method that makes it not only considerably easier, but also much more effective for people on both sides of the conversation. How to speak and listen more effectively-to communicate mindfully and improve all relationships-based on the author's unique synthesis of mindfulness practice combined with the principles of nonviolent communication.Ĭommunication is hard.
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